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15 October 2011 @ 11:00 pm
Well... it's been awhile.

I don't really know where to start, or where the start even is, I just feel... lost.

I was reading status on facebook of all these people I went to university with, and who are still working towards their degree and it just made me feel so... I don't even know just not good. I'm so used to working towards something that I feel like I'm laying stagnant here. I mean I'm working towards saving money to move to the UK for a couple years but that is literally the only thing keeping me going right now.

I barely sleep, or eat. I've dropped 10lbs in a couple weeks from just not doing anything. I am the definition of a loser right now, living with my Dad and his girlfriend who just barely tolerates having me around, working a dead-end job so that I can put away the little bit of money I have left over from paying my Dad rent, and my bills and this that or the other thing. The only time I really feel happy about myself is payday when I can watch my savings slowly grow.

I've just given up on myself completely the last couple months. Jobs in my field have come up, but I've stopped applying because I psyche myself out of it before I even get that far. Then it's just kind of like, "What's the point? Why waste the time when you know nothing will come of it?" I hate it. It's not me. I got where I am because that's not who I am and yet I'm letting myself become this person I don't even recognise. 

I can't even talk to anyone. Danielle has 3 kids and a husband and my issues are just trivial compared to her, plus she doesn't really have the time (understandably). Glenda has university, and it's a big deal and she really can't be distracted. Kyle just moved away and has his own problems and is depressed and I really can't burden him with mine. And Donovan and I are just... done.

To everyone else I am good to keep around while I am silly or cheerful but they feel awkward when I'm not. So I've just learned how to be silly and cheerful when I'm miserable. At least that way I'm not alienating my friends on top of everything else.

Instead I can just talk to myself on an ancient blog. Just have to keep myself going.
Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
10 July 2011 @ 10:24 pm
 Today I had an epiphany of sorts.

I genuinely think the best of people and probably will until the day they slaughter an orphanage full of babies and kittens in front of me.

I know a lot of people think it's silly or naive, but I can't assume people mean the worst. I know when I try to do things I have the best intentions at heart and it seems unfair of me to assume otherwise of other people.
That doesn't mean they never hurt me - or others. But maybe they do that because they're scared, or worried, or trying to prove something to themselves, or didn't mean to, or feel like that's how they're supposed to act, or whatever else.
Everyone is just trying to figure themselves out and sometimes it goes a bit better than other times.

So I guess just... try not to be a jerk. But even if you are sometimes, it's okay because you're just like everyone else just try and learn from your mistakes and everything will be fine.
Because people genuinely want to be understanding and forgiving as well.
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
24 May 2011 @ 01:51 am
 I convocate tomorrow... it's pretty crazy. I can't believe this part of my life is coming to an end and I'm a heavy mix of scared and excited about what comes next.

I'm not used to there being so many different paths I can take and needing to choose one. It's kind of scary to think of. I mean I'm planning on working, saving money and going to England but is that the best plan? Should I be focusing more on settling my life down rather than uprooting myself again and starting all over somewhere new? I mean if I stay in Halifax and volunteer at local museums I'll have a better chance of getting a job there. But then I would totally kick myself later. And it's not like there's anything for me in Halifax at the moment or any reason for me to stay there, I don't even know if I want to stay and live there forever or go somewhere else. I guess I won't know until I go other places and experience them.
I don't even know. 
I think I am just tired, excited and worried.
Time to pack and sleep.
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
15 April 2011 @ 06:39 pm
 Sometimes during elections it can be easy to lose sight of the fact that the people you're arguing with (sometimes rather heatedly) are people with ideals, families, morals, beliefs and lives just like you.

I get pretty vocal about my stance on political issues, for sure. That's why I love having friends who are the opposite of me and who can drag me back down to earth a bit. It's hard to always keep perspective, especially when all you hear are slogans and misinformation being spread by the opposition but sometimes people just genuinely have a different world view than your own.

And that's okay too. :)

Thanks for reminding me, Martin. <3 
If you could change one thing about yourself, except for looks, what would it be?

Huh, not something I've ever thought about a terrible amount, which is why I chose to respond to this.

This is going to seem kind of weird coming from me, I would imagine, but I think I would be more stereotypically girly. Not in the, "I love pink and talk about clothing brands all day" type of stereotype, but more like... more able to settle down with one person rather than being such a commitaphobe, more able to be okay with guys being nice and doing things like paying for a date instead of having it make me really squeamish and uneasy, being tidier, and that kind of stuff.
19 January 2011 @ 11:10 am
 It has been awhile so I guess I will just write random shit that has gone on recently.

Errrrmmm, went home for Christmas, was ridiculously busy the entire time. Met up with Donovan, we talked about a LOT of stuff, and kind of what happened between us and the shitstorm that was the end of our relationship.

I got what I wanted from him for the past year; an apology. Completely unsolicited I might add. Also I got an explanation for what the fuck happened; he told me that he was extremely depressed at the end of our relationship (which I knew already) and that he blamed his being miserable on me, and it wasn't until after we broke up and he was still miserable he realised it had nothing to do with me but was just him being depressed.

We talked about the possibility of getting back together, where I told him I wouldn't consider dating him again until he got help for his depression - as it's been a problem for years and last year he tried to kill himself. He's agreed to talk to a doctor about it when he gets to Toronto, whenever that is. Will he actually do it? I don't know, but... it's not my job to nag him about it. I will mention it again when he gets there but at this point, well he's an adult and has to make his own choices.

We also both agreed that he jumps in and out of relationships too quickly and that he needs to be single for awhile and sort his own life and shit out before he can be worried about a relationship. His New Years resolution was to not date for a year and I'm hoping he sticks to it, as I think it would do him good.

We've been talking every day since however, which has Glenda royally pissed off at me. Beyond everything that happened between Donovan and I... he was my best friend for YEARS before he and I ever dated. If he and I are going to be friendly again of course we're going to go back to being best friends, that is just kind of how mine and his relationship works.

Just best friends who admit they're in love with each other...

Okay, well it might not end super well, but we've always been retardedly complicated.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
08 October 2010 @ 10:32 am
 Okay gonna rant a bit right now.

Was talking to my mom on the phone last night and she was telling me how my sister had made some new friends, some guy and his "partner." By "his partner" she meant "his boyfriend."

It never really quite struck me until then, but that term really annoys me. Don't get me wrong I understand why gay people use it around people they don't really know or why some people use it when discussing a gay relationship when they are talking to someone they know is maybe not super cool with gay relationships. I also understand the term in places like the States where gay marriage isn't legal and they use the term because they are not married but they feel boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't quite describe their relationship.

What annoys me is people using it as some sort of fucked up PC term so they don't have to refer to a gay person's boyfriend/girlfriend as their boyfriend/girlfriend. It is kind of like the whole gay marriage thing where some people want to give them the same rights but call it a "civil union" instead because marriage is a straight thing. Now I know these people aren't doing this to be discriminatory, and really don't mean any harm. The point is, however, that they are taking a relationship and in some way saying "THIS RELATIONSHIP IS DIFFERENT FROM MINE." My mom has a boyfriend, a gay man has a partner.
27 September 2010 @ 10:12 am
Yesterday Glenda and I were talking about relationship stuff and things we find attractive about people, that kind of thing. It kind of came up because she has a few guys on the go right now and it's all a bit confusing. Basically she really likes this guy named Cardy (his nickname not his real name) and there is another guy named Josh who is really interested in Glenda and who she has been talking with a lot recently.

Cardy has basically told Glenda that he doesn't really feel the same way about her. I mean they have slept together but Cardy is not interested in a relationship with Glenda. And Josh is really into Glenda but she isn't all the interested in him.

So when she and I were talking she mentioned that part of the reason that she likes Cardy so much better than Josh is probably to do with the fact that he isn't interested and she wants what she can't have.

I find it kind of... odd I guess. I mean I have heard this before, in fact I know a lot of people go out of their way to not act interested because they know some people will be more attracted to them if they do that. But I just don't get it.

I can't tell if I am just weird or not, but personally the more interested someone seems to be in me the more likely I am to be interested in them. When people act distant and aloof and not interested I get bored with them and just move on. I mean either they are: A) Not interested, in which case I have no desire to try and change someone's mind about me. or B) They are acting not interested to try and seem cool and aloof or whatever. And to me that just means they can't be forward with their feelings. That to me would be a MAJOR problem - partially because I am so literal - because if someone isn't forward with me about their feelings towards me I assume they don't have any.

I just don't get why anyone would purposely want that. Why they would want someone who didn't want them/was pretending not to want them. I get the whole, "I like a challenge" thing but really, aren't relationships challenging enough? Plus I mean... wouldn't you end up always slightly discontent because you would either never get the person you wanted, or want them less when you finally did get them.

People confuse meee.
Current Mood: confusedconfused
24 September 2010 @ 10:45 pm

Whhhhyyyy would you wait until I get back to Newfoundland to ask me out to dinner!? THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE. I was home all friggin summer, we were talking all friggin summer, you couldn't ask me one of those times?

15 September 2010 @ 11:03 pm
Carm is doing okay. The bleeding was a false alarm, so I am super relieved about that. She was really hopped up on morphine when I went in to visit her, and had had surgery the night before, for her shoulder. She has another surgery for her knee scheduled soon.

So that is really good. I was visiting with her for probably about half an hour or an hour, I would have stayed longer but I realised while I was there that I really needed to throw up. So I booked it out of the hospital and threw up on the side of the road instead. =S

Then came home and slept for most of the rest of the day, and missed both classes. Fuuuuck.

Anyway. Just happy Carm is okay.